I am displeased with you all.  I gave you free will that you might better follow my teachings and spread my Truths*.  Occasionally you might fail, I accept that, but lately I find my patience sorely tested by your mortal failings in that most needful of all sacraments – the correct ordering of LP shelves.  Lately I have become aware of two false apostates amongst you, preaching ‘alternate facts’ – I wilt tell thee now there is only Truth, or untruth**, there can be no Canadian or Australian way.

I hath already given you this truth mortals, whether it be writ high in the sky in flames 100 feet high, carved in tablets of stone, or even included in the small print of the new Google privacy policy you so blithely click through every day, or two.  BUT^, just in case here again is the Truth of 1537:

Truth One:

All LPs shall be filed in alphabetical order from left to right and THEN filed chronologically: in the event of a recording coming to light years later, Stones at The Marquee Club for example the LP is to be filed in the year it was recorded, NOT the year of release – that would be a venial sin.

Gillan (band) next to Gil Scott Heron. That is the road to holiness.
Gillan (band) next to Gil Scott Heron. That is the road to holiness.

Truth Two: 

Solo artists will be filed by their first name.  ‘Hmm, I’d like to listen to Dixon, Willie tonight’ said NOBODY, EVER!!!!

Judgment Night (soundtrack AND compilation) next to Julian Cope. Righteous.
Judgment Night (soundtrack AND compilation) next to Julian Cope. Righteous.

Truth Three:

All Compilations and soundtracks will be filed under their name.  To do aught else is a mortal sin which will cause ye to be wracked in eternal agony for weeks on the shores of a fiery lake, whilst the Owls of Justice peck you painfully on the nose and Imps of Untruth mock your physical appearance in quite hurtfully sarcastic tones.  So it is written and so it shall be done-eth.

Truth Four:

The Truth of all Truths, the prime tenet of 1537-ationisticism is that, pay attention, all bands/compilations using a number as their name will be filed in the alpha equivalent space.  For once and for all, never in my name shall there ever be created a primitive ghetto of numeric shame either at the beginning or end of one’s collection.  Not on my watch! What sort of thrice-damned psychopath would file a LP by 16 Horsepower, before 65 Days of Static, before 808 State?  Mortals I feel your shame.

Question: Where should this LP be filed?
Question: Where should this LP be filed?
Answer: Between Electric Wizard and Elvis Costello
Answer: Between Electric Wizard and Elvis Costello, obviously.

Having writteneth my truth, I shall now ascend to welcome the righteous to Vinylhalla.

733 Down (still)

*capital letter there is a nice touch, I feel.

**note: lack of capital letter.  Yea verily.

^I like big buts (sorry, I haven’t done that joke since the early hours of this morning).

37 thoughts on “Omnipotence/Patience Sorely Tested

  1. I am most assuredly not on board here. That said, the glory of 2017 is that “Truth” is now totally fungible. Everyone gets to pick their own! As such, I hereby choose to recognize you as “Prophet” while comfortably ignoring the greater part of your edicts!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I was going to file by the city of origin of lead singers, then by year of birth of the producer, however now I have seen the light I will follow the rules until they no longer make sense for me.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Lots of fancy words there, mate, but we’re all gonna file how we wanna, no matter what you say about it, just like you file how you want to without heed of what we say! 🙂

    I am working on my own collection, as you know (and linked to it, thanks!), but even when I reach my conclusions on how it will go, I doubt I’d follow all of your, er, edicts. My Stones Marquee Club (2015), for example, rests comfortably between From The Vault: Hamptons Coliseum (2014) and the Sticky Fingers reissue (2015). My iTunes agrees with me. My stuff is still chronological within artist discography, just by release year, not year of original event.

    I did like the Bewbs drawing, and Vinylhalla was perfect. That’s actually a great name for your blog, should you ever reach 1537 and decide on a change!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. My apologies. And my apologies also for agreeing with only one of your truths. I feel an overwhelming desire to sort my collection and send you photographic evidence. It’s raining, y’see… that’s what you do when it rains.

        Liked by 2 people

    1. Such feelings are merely manifestations of sin desperately clinging to your immortal soul. Cast them off Bruce. (Although I do admit Joes and Johns are a little more challenging to file than Fela Kuti).

      Liked by 1 person

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