So there I was last week, having just penned yet another epochal review about semaphore, returning my copy of NUJV! to the shelves. It slots in just after A Hard Day’s Night and before Rubber Soul, chronological order being strictly observed after the grand overlordship of alphabetical order. Except Rubber Soul wasn’t there.
Imagine, gentle reader, my distress; it should, nay MUST be there! Remembering back to the Great Miles Davis Crisis of 2017*, I stifled a despairing howl and sank to the floor in utter despair before swooning like a minor character in an Austen novel.
Upon regaining consciousness I girded my loins, screwed my courage to the sticking point and searched the shelves on either side, calmly and methodically at first and then with increasing levels of panic and desperation.
Then it hit me. The only viable explanation. I had been the victim of a ruthlessly cunning and hideously selective burglar. Why anyone would want to break into my house and steal a single not very valuable Beatles LP was a mystery to me. My copy was a late 60’s reissue, nothing special.
So I checked on my Discogs account and my music collector database. Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
Thinking logically there can only be two feasible explanations:
- MI5, NSA, FBI, NASA, SMERSH and EMI were perpetrating some form of digital outrage upon me, for reasons as yet unknown**.
- I have genuinely never owned a copy of Rubber Soul.
It is the least likely of the two scenarios but I had genuinely and wrongly assumed I owned a copy of Rubber Soul, why wouldn’t I? it isn’t a great favourite of mine but surely I had bought a copy on eBay back when LPs were cheap? apparently not.
It was an odd moment, I am not in fact omnipotent but my memory is sharp, especially for LPs and this was a bit weird. What next? will I find that I just dreamed that I own a record player? or that I invented Biff Byford and nobody else has ever heard of him?
The glitch in the matrix has been repaired and normal service has been resumed, thanks to payday.
Has anybody else had a similar experience?
1090 Down (still).
*I’m still too upset to talk about it in detail, but I had shelved My Funny Valentine (1965) after Filles De Kilimanjaro (1968) and In A Silent Way (1969). AFTER!! It had probably been that way for about 5 months before being discovered during a routine shelf audit. I still struggle to look people in the eye.
**probably to do with a conspiracy involving Covid vaccinations, giant lizards, chemtrails, Area 51 and Van Morrison; surely you can connect the dots yourself?
I have had this happen to me. COuld’ve sworn an album was here, never had it. Maybe it’s something in the collector brain that blurs the line between That’d Be Nice To Have and I Actually Have That.
It’s the matrix!
I watched the trailer for Part Four of that movie series today.
I have a take waiting in the bag on this very thing. It will be released soon (If anyone really gives a shit)
Conspiracy theories, early onset dementia or Rubber Soul? I care any which way.
You always start with the spouse in these cases.
I once mistakenly believed that I owned Buckingham Palace. One night, after a little too much alcohol perhaps, my friend Michael and I climbed over the wall into my second home, thinking I’d simply mislaid the keys.
All was well, as we sat drinking tea with the rather posh tenant, until a rash of red laser dots appeared on my chest. Bewitched by their sudden appearance I too swooned like your good self and awoke the next day in a rubber room. The kindly doctor explained to me via the wonder of ECT that I in fact had never owned Buckingham Palace (despite the receipt I produced written in red crayon). How bizarre.
As for your album, the obvious explanation is that it slipped away to another dimension with the biros and is now living a uniquely vinyloid lifestyle.
More tea anyone?
I only have a few Beatles LPs (only because I have gotten around to buying them all yet), but Rubber Soul is one of them. The problem I find is I will see a record at a store and I am confident I don’t have it, so much so that I won’t check Discogs while I’m in the store. So I buy it and get home and there is a copy already there!!! I’m stubborn like that for some reason.
I suspect shop owners using hypnosis, chemtrails and mind waves on you Jon.
I am sure that is it.
My nerves were rattling reading this, Joe… brought back memories of looking for my copy of Jane’s Addiction’s debut last year before realising (about an hour later) that I had SOLD IT(!!) a few years ago to fund a purchase of another LP. Jings.
I’ve never not owned something and thought I have, though. I don’t believe that’s a thing… it’s quite clear you’re the victim of a multi-layered conspiracy. May the force be with you, my friend.
Thanks Jim for believing in me, those pinko liberal reality cucks won’t know what’s hit them when they come for their Belle & Sebastian EPs.
And … sold JA debut? silly man.
At the time it made sense. As most things do. In fairness, I did end up with an LP that I listen to a whole lot more (The Gutter Twins’ Saturnalia).
One Kid-A disappeared from my Discogs but I was sat listening to it and I’ve had it for years. The struggle is real. More significantly how can anyone not own a copy of Revolver? In My Life is one of the greats abs Stephen Stills version confirms this.
Damn Rubber Soul see it’s a real thing the album has disappeared not only from your shelves but history.
I reckon a Norwegian would.
First they come for our Radiohead and we stood by, then who will protect us when they come for our Garth Brooks, or something like that.
In My Life may actually be one of the best songs I have ever heard. It’s a tie between that and ‘Bathroom Wall’ by Faster Pussycat.
Routine shelf audit.
Oh yes, not to be confused with weekly spot checks (WSC), extraordinary stocktake exercise (ESE) or monthly alpha audit (MAA).
Honestly, this has never happened but the opposite has happened in the past with DVDs. I come home with a bargain buy of a classic film only to find it already on my shelf.
I’ve done that only once with vinyl. That was about a month ago, I’m clearly losing my mind!
What a tense and exciting story! And did you have trouble getting a carriage back from town with your new rubber ribbons? Gosh, I cannot wait for the next instalment.
Thanks Bruce. Tune in next week for more shelf-based horror.
Has similar ever happened to you?
Plus, I’ve realised that In My Life may be the best song I’ve ever heard.
I have had similar experiences, Joe. And that’s even with the spreadsheet on my phone! Usually, though, it has been that I’ve culled the missing LP at some point in my deranged past.
I bought a second copy of a Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah compilation the other day, first time I’ve double-purchased.
And no one heard at all, not even the chair.
Hang on, that’s a code word/phrase. Have you stumbled across this conspiracy too Mike?