I Ain’t No Prince But I Sure Am Charming

  Well if you ask for nothing
  Nothing's what you get
  Well no more apple pie
  For you my little pet    (It's Not The End Of The World)

Ladies and gentlemen I give you, The Throbs The Language Of Thieves And Vagabonds (1991). I’m here both to praise and to mourn a superb original band that got kicked to the kerb by Geffen Records 6 months after they released a stupendously excellent LP.

Short version: this is a really excellent album, think 80’s glam with a darker punky, junky odder tinge.

Where were you guys? they needed you. The Throbs wore Bo-ho clothes, dyed their hair raven black to look all subterranean and slightly serious, wrote some excellent music, drafted in Little Richard for one track, used details from Richard Dadd’s ‘Fairy Feller’s Masterstroke’ for their cover art and had Bob Ezrin produce their debut! I mean come on, what more could they have done to endear themselves to you short of coming round to yours, granting sexual favours and then mowing your lawn for free?! You let them down people. I’m not angry with you … just very disappointed.

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Being exactly the sort of woolly creature who memorised entire Kerrang! articles, I first heard of the band when Ginger Wildheart came back to the UK after lasting about a month in their ranks in NYC. On the basis of a rave review I bought the cassette in HMV in Swansea and never looked back, raving about The Language Of Thieves And Vagabonds to anyone who’d listen to me*.

The band had ties to Seb Bach’s first group VO5 and the (mighty, mighty, mighty!) Smashed Gladys and were launched by Geffen Records as yet another bright red rock rocket to join Guns ‘n’ Roses in the empyrean.

Shame for everyone then, that they were odder and darker than that whole Hollywood scene.

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As all good LPs do The Language Of Thieves And Vagabonds opens with a bit of baglama-ing, before ‘Underground’ kicks in with a tough, tuneful glam sound – Ronnie Sweetheart singing menacingly about castles, demons and wizards without sounding remotely naff. The guitar bites deep and plays us out beautifully. They had me at baglama.

We rattle down on through the band’s only single ‘Come Down Sister’ – my girlfriend had a 12″ that came with a badge (I’m still a bit jealous). It’s fun but a bit inconsequential in this company, some rollicking good times, bad clothing and a touch of the Cult in the melody. ‘It’s Not The End Of The World’ is better, mostly because it does the same thing much faster – propelled by Fred Mandell’s keys^.

Then we take a left turn onto Alice Cooper Blvd with the moody, cinematic ‘Dreamin”, which wafts some proper menace under our noses. Bob gives it the full Ezrin here, all manner of strings and atmospherics. It’s a great cut that showcases exactly what made the Throbs a different proposition to the rest of the scene.

From there we hit out on the rather delightful ballad ‘Honey Child’, which is actually quite sweet and charming; radical for an early 90’s glam band. Side 1 ends energetically with ‘Rip It Up’ which benefits from another good Mandell-ing and a breakdown bit where Ronnie Sweetheart menacingly slurs ‘I ain’t no prince, but I am charming’ at a potential conquest.

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Slinking in like a bedraggled tomcat ‘Ocean Of Love’ is another excellent cut, I love the way it slows down for the chorus – always a neat trick for those that can pull it off. Again the mood is dark fairy tale, plenty of skinny dissipated princes hereabouts, just don’t turn your back on them with your girl, or your stash for a nanosecond.

The contrast with the clean-cut ‘Only Way Out’ is a good one, it’s a deceptively simple-seeming cut performed really well – are we ending a relationship, or a life here? Roger Ericson really earns his keep on this one, the guitars are great. In comparison the jerky workmanlike ‘Sweet Addiction’ is a bit more rock by rote, although the (uncredited) female backing vox help out.

The Language Of Thieves And Vagabonds continues with ‘Ecstasy’, featuring some session pianist-or-other called Little Richard**, which boogies along to good effect in a mid-tempo way. It’s not one you’ll remember long after the LP finishes.

LP closer ‘Strange Behaviour’ is excellent though, the Throbs at their, umm, Throbbiest. Music to play in your secret lair while you wait for your next victim to fall into your clutches. Another really well put together and written track unmistakeably given a damn good Ezrin-ing. A perfect soundtrack for an evil fairy tale.

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The Language Of Thieves And Vagabonds is a burnished and professional debut by a band of real substance. Substance = great, substances = less so, rumour has it that excessive enjoyment of the plural form of the word is what holed the good ship Throbs below the waterline.

Unlike a lot of the schlock being foisted on us rockers back in ’91 the Throbs had a some interesting corners to explore, far closer in nature to the 1537-beloved Sea Hags than the rest of the uninspired legions trailing in Guns ‘n’ Roses wake.

Hell, I (heart) Throbs.

1028 Down.

PS: Because we deserve it:

PPS: Not wishing to spoil my own post but The Throbs had actually released a prior Canada only punk mini-LP 5 years before The Language Of Thieves And Vagabonds. It kinda doesn’t count as Ronnie Sweetheart was the only consistent member and it spoils my carefully constructed narrative.

PPPS: Much as I am a fan of, Victorian paranoid schizophrenic and Queen song inspiration, Richard Dadd, the cover art here is a graphic-designers nightmare. Nothing is clear, nothing is striking and the colour palette for the text is all wrong.

*admittedly not many.

^of Queen/Floyd/Alice Cooper/Elton John sideman fame, a true ‘Man On The Prowl’.

**he doesn’t actually play an awful lot on this one – did they have to pay him per note, or something?

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Bonus from The Mighty Scrapbooks Of Rock:

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