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In these troubled morally difficult times we need idols with a firm grasp of right and wrong.  It may be an unfashionable view in these liberal times in which we find ourselves but I am not afraid to stand up and say that I have a moral compass which clearly defines what is good and bad for me.  If our nations youths are assaulted by salacious, morally irredeemable filth every time they turn on the radio, or listen to a gramophone record, then what chance do they have of seeing everything exactly as I see it?  Which is why, now more than ever we need this next record.

You know what I’m like by now with records and you know just how much willpower I can bring to bear when faced with a ‘must-have’ purchase, it’s like that line of Oscar Wilde’s ‘ I can resist anything but temptation’.  So imagine my joy when faced with Revolting Cocks Do Ya Think I’m Sexy 12″ in a clear vinyl ‘lubricant pack’ in Crash Records in Leeds; coins changed hands pretty damn fast I can tell you.  How could I resist that? clear vinyl by itself was enough to raise my hackles, but a lubricant pack? I was powerless to resist.

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The lubricant pack was basically a double-walled clear record sleeve, with a gooey sludge in one side* and a pouch for the record in the other.  My oh my, they were a bunch of naughty little scamps this band – who’d have ever guessed it from their name?  Revolting Cocks being Al Jourgensen and a revolving number of other industrial noiseniks, most notably Paul Barker, Luc Van Acker and Chris Connolly.

There is just something wonderfully, fabulously liberating about a group of men who were certainly old enough to know better being this childish on vinyl, doubly so when they proceed to drag such an awful despicable song down an alley behind a seedy nightclub and give it the kicking it so richly deserved.

You have to love this.  It’s compulsory.  I just love the totally deadpan vocals and the screaming chorus, the pair of lyric changes about buying a rubber and the reference to KY jelly, but I’m afraid the ‘woof woof’ bit before the ‘sexy interlude’ (and the screaming, shredding guitar solo) just causes me to simultaneously lose control of almost all of my bodily functions.  True story.

The B-sides? ‘Sergio Guitar’ and ‘Wrong Sexy Mix’ (presumably of the A-side, but it was difficult to tell) just wasted 11:20 minutes of my life, they are, I’m afraid, the very dictionary definition of filler.  No matter, just play ‘Do Ya Think I’m Sexy’ twice again.

Just as many a one-night stand goes sour and there are nasty recriminations, rashes and bouts of self-loathing afterwards, Do Ya Think I’m Sexy did leave me with, umm, something of an unpleasant taste in my mouth afterwards.  Firstly the gel bag split along the top seam and it started to go an unpleasant yellow colour and then it burst properly, leaving me to clean up the neighbouring Ric Ocasek and Reverend Horton Heat LP’s as best I could.  Did the Revolting Cocks spare me a second thought? did they offer to help? no, I was on my own.

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And just for the record Al Jourgensen is a 1000 times sexier than Rod Stewart.  Easy.

200 Down.

P.S – I can’t think of a better one to get to 200 on.

*its composition and indeed its utility remain untested to this day.

4 thoughts on “Gimmickocalypse

  1. With that song and that band, I think the lubricant pack could allow you to start an STD collection. Did Ric Ocasek look a little smug and sickly at the same time? Was Reverend Horton scratching himself a little too much?

    The performance, though is exactly what the song deserves. Now if Jello Biafra takes on “Angel of the Morning”, we could all sleep more easily. John Lydon and “Sugar Walls”?

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    1. Poor Ric, ‘Fireball’ ain’t great, but he didn’t deserve the goo! Now The Reverend, he’s got the air of a man who’s dealt with worse in his time.

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    2. Btw, great choices for Biafra & Lydon, if I had any musical talent whatsoever, I’d mangle ‘you’re 16, you’re beautiful & you’re mine’ – it has it coming to it.

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