Battle Of The Imaginary Bands: A Call To Arms

Dear Readers,

Together we represent many different nationalities, many different faiths and creeds, many different shapes and sizes*, some of us may even be chicks – no, it’s true – just hear me out!  But if there’s one thing that unites us all, I’ve discovered it is our love of imaginary bands.

Now I know you are sat there thinking ‘my imaginary bands can kick your imaginary bands’ ass, any day buster’, but how to prove this? I’ve decided to set up a Roman gladiatorial style Battle of the Bands contest and I’m inviting your entries.  The exact format will be decided by how many entries I get and my entirely arbitrary rules and decisions will prevail.  Will your Beatles-influenced power pop trio, trump someone else’s grindcore collective, or will they be beaten in their turn by my latest soul diva, or something stranger from the furthest reaches of the universe? I will reveal all in my review of the show.

In order to be eligible I want you to email me your band name, members, and some info – style, bio, song/LP titles, even artwork (as long as it’s original) – I need titles of at least 3 songs (lyrics are a bonus too), additional bonus points will always be awarded for making me smile and great names, give me too much rather than too little, people.  Keep this frequency clear I will contact you again at the weekend, depending on response to announce the heats – spread the word.  Maximum of 2 entries per righteous dude / hot chick.  Let battle commence, feel the force … etc, etc.

I have set up a separate page over on the left hand-side, because I like organising stuff properly. It’s how I get my kicks.

An imaginary band, yesterday

272 Down (still).

*obviously, I’m attractively slender with a fine, fine head of hair.

17 thoughts on “Battle Of The Imaginary Bands: A Call To Arms

  1. I didn’t follow the rules, emailing my entry elsewhere. I assure you that Scratch Lasagna has exactly the right place for the winner’s trophy and has already informed the cat that this sandbox is for only important things.

  2. The Ungrateful Dead, whose band members are made up totally from parts of dead rock stars, aspire to be the ultimate ‘dead metal’ supergroup. NME describes their music as ‘ bone crunching, flesh tearing, ice-pick-through-the ear splitting and straight from hell.’ Don’t be fooled by the Walking Dead grunge look, this band are more street savvy Manchester than brain-splattering Seattle. The gurgling, rasping and sometimes incomprehensible lyrics of front monster Curtis Cobain-Morrison, put one in mind of the early recordings of The Fall. His on-stage antics rival that of heavy rock gods like Ozzy and and Alice, but being able to put a mic stand through his own head and carry on singing leave one wondering when did ‘GG’ Allin get so sissy?
    But it’s not all a one-man gore fest either. Oh no. Lead guitarist Walter Corkettle (WHO?) is an axe-man with a difference. He killed himself to join the band, was reanimated by the manager, Colonel Crowley, and stitched up with the left hand of Jimi Hendrix and the right of Jeff Hanneman. His guitar solos can range anywhere from ten p.m. ’til midnight.
    Bass player Sid Vicious-Lynott has a novel way of interrupting any showboating – by smashing Walter’s head in with his guitar and smearing his brains over his chest. That’s when he isn’t fighting with himself for possession of the bass, which only part of him can play anyway.
    UD gigs are often played outside, in graveyards, rather than stadiums, and their loyal fans or ‘deadies’ crawl from miles around to see their heroes in the rotting flesh. Some even get their days before, to dig their own mosh pit, which soon becomes a slosh pit in the rain, filled with the decaying bodies of teenagers… who had once been into suicidal tendencies.
    Tap Moon, on drums, only rates a brief mention here as his only party trick is to explode at the end of the set, and reanimate for the encore.
    The Ungrateful Dead might not be everyone’s choice of ‘live’ act, but they’re well worth the ticket price – one’s eternal soul.

    Albums available –

    – Barf at The Moon (lurid pavement pizza coloured vinyl – with front cover featuring a naked wolf girl vomiting entrails across a full moon )

    – Chain Reaction (brown vinyl with front cover showing the band as a mock Human Centipede)

    Singles include –

    – Tainted Glove (live performance includes a guest Hanging with Mark Almond)
    – Leader of The Gang-bang. (Glitter explodes from pyro cannons)
    – Case of Spades (Fans encouraged to dig their own graves during this encore)

    1. Thank you, your vote has been registered. Remember to get the bill payer’s permission before calling.

      Terms and conditions apply, remember the value of your eternal soul may go up as well as down.

    1. Imaginary definitely – although if you want to write a novel about them to give more back story and authenticity then please don’t let me stop you.

      Likewise, should you wish to write, produce, shoot and release a major Hollywood film about your band(s), then shoot for the moon!

      1. I think I may still have the picture of the imaginary band that I drew back in highschool. So, I may in fact have some VINTAGE visuals to give you…

    1. Cool – the more the merrier, so if you know anyone from outside our little circle who might like this too…

      Should have said – I need the names of at least three songs.

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