I am displeased with you all. I gave you free will that you might better follow my teachings and spread my Truths*. Occasionally you might fail, I accept that, but lately I find my patience sorely tested by your mortal failings in that most needful of all sacraments – the correct ordering of LP shelves. Lately I have become aware of two false apostates amongst you, preaching ‘alternate facts’ – I wilt tell thee now there is only Truth, or untruth**, there can be no Canadian or Australian way.
I hath already given you this truth mortals, whether it be writ high in the sky in flames 100 feet high, carved in tablets of stone, or even included in the small print of the new Google privacy policy you so blithely click through every day, or two. BUT^, just in case here again is the Truth of 1537:
Truth One:
All LPs shall be filed in alphabetical order from left to right and THEN filed chronologically: in the event of a recording coming to light years later, Stones at The Marquee Club for example the LP is to be filed in the year it was recorded, NOT the year of release – that would be a venial sin.
Truth Two:
Solo artists will be filed by their first name. ‘Hmm, I’d like to listen to Dixon, Willie tonight’ said NOBODY, EVER!!!!
Truth Three:
All Compilations and soundtracks will be filed under their name. To do aught else is a mortal sin which will cause ye to be wracked in eternal agony for weeks on the shores of a fiery lake, whilst the Owls of Justice peck you painfully on the nose and Imps of Untruth mock your physical appearance in quite hurtfully sarcastic tones. So it is written and so it shall be done-eth.
Truth Four:
The Truth of all Truths, the prime tenet of 1537-ationisticism is that, pay attention, all bands/compilations using a number as their name will be filed in the alpha equivalent space. For once and for all, never in my name shall there ever be created a primitive ghetto of numeric shame either at the beginning or end of one’s collection. Not on my watch! What sort of thrice-damned psychopath would file a LP by 16 Horsepower, before 65 Days of Static, before 808 State? Mortals I feel your shame.
Having writteneth my truth, I shall now ascend to welcome the righteous to Vinylhalla.
733 Down (still)
*capital letter there is a nice touch, I feel.
**note: lack of capital letter. Yea verily.
^I like big buts (sorry, I haven’t done that joke since the early hours of this morning).