Christmas, eh? What’s it all about? A time of togetherness, family, the giving and exchanging of Yuletide gifts; a time to be thankful for what we have; a time to gather our loved ones close to us and sing Christian rhyme to celebrate the birth of our redeemer?
Nah, fuck that! We’re going to get pissed and d-e-s-t-r-o-y, before getting into a fist fight in a chip shop and being sick around the back of the pub. Welcome to The Yobs Christmas Album, a true low light of 1980. You like punk? You like swearing? You like Christmas? You want to own a version of ’12 days of Christmas’ that begins ‘On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me / A vibrator with a battery’*? You’ve come to the right place, son. Just please, check your decorum, your early 21st century sensitivity to sexism at the door and make sure you’re not carrying any sense of subtlety about your person, it won’t be required here.
The Yobs were the spoof band set up by the-beloved-by-me-but-hardly-household-names punk group The Boys**, to enable them to belt out daft obscenity-drenched childishness instead of peddling wry, infectious punk songs about boredom and romance; I prefer them in their former mode, but it’s Christmas! This Christmas Album is a mix of bits I find funny, some straight up good tunes, a couple of oddities and a few tracks that were just so far off-beam for 2015 that I had to skip them.
The good? Their pretty straight cover of ‘Silver Bells’, Jim Reeves never sounded so good, likewise their own (?) ‘Another Christmas’ and, my fave, ‘The Ballad Of The Warrington’ – an amusing spoof of all those American country songs, where some poor sod dies and you’re given a meaningful voiceover – this one’s about walking to the pub in the snow, of course. There are more sound effects than in the whole of Pink Floyd’s discography and you have to love the American accent he puts on for the speaky bit. I’ve put the lyrics below so we can all enjoy a global Christmas sing-song together.
Well there’s a blizzard blowin’ hard
And from the Alfred we’ve been barred
And John’s so pissed that he can’t hardly stand.
Listen to that drunken git
‘Cause now he’s being sick
But it’s only a hundred yards to The Warrington!
Yes, it’s only a hundred yards to The Warrington!
You can bet we’re on Tom’s mind
‘Cause it’s nearly closing time.
And pretty soon last orders will be called.
Christ, my balls feel like they’re froze
And there’s numbness in my toes
And it’s only eighty yards to The Warrington!
Yes it’s only eighty yards to The Warrington!
The winds howling hard it seems
And now he’s shit his jeans
I think I’ll have to carry him if I can
John just think about that beer!
It’s only over there!
And it’s only fifty yards to The Warrington!
Yes it’s only fifty yards to The Warrington!
John, get up you drunken git
Don’t just lie there in that fucking shit
I know we’re pissed but we can make it if we try.
Alright, I guess it’s best if we
Stop a fucking while and rest
But it’s only twenty yards to The Warrington!
Yes, it’s only twenty yards to The Warrington!
Late that night the storm was gone
And I found them there alone
He could’ve made it, but he wouldn’t leave old John.
I found them froze in the street
Jack’s boot down John’s teeth.
They were only ten more yards from my house, that is The Warrington!
Yes, they were only ten more yards from The Warrington!
Which really is as complex as this album gets – basically this is for us folks who got a bit intellectually confused by Sex Pistols ‘Frigging In The Rigging’.
Now the bizarre. ‘Doggy’, a 30-second acapella snatch of ‘How Much Is That Doggy In The Window?’, for no adequately explained reason; a synth version of ‘Jingle Bells’ done in a flat Germanic Kraftwerk-style; a couple of racially insensitive excursions into reggae. Should any of those be your bag, then feel free to dig in, I shan’t judge you^.
The bad. Hmm. I like swearing, I really do. I’ve been an enthusiast, ever since I realised it was a thing – at 7 years old, much to my parents’ secret amusement, but outright horror, I once told a pushy aunt who was trying to make me perform ‘a little Welsh song’ in front of the whole family, to ‘piss right off’. True story^^.
Now, there’s too much of it and of the wrong sort in here. I mentioned ’12 Days of Christmas’ earlier, it starts off amusing but ends up just a bit gross and a touch misogynistic too, ditto ‘C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S’, look away now Rosemary Clooney I’m afraid this time ‘C’ is definitely not ‘for the Christ child’. It’s precisely the sort of thing that my mates and I would have found hilarious aged 13, however as I have recently attained the mental age of almost 18, I have outgrown it and can’t help my other sensibilities kicking in. Double ditto, the version of ‘Silent Night’ sung in German, with a Hitler speech dubbed into the background; Germans = Nazis, get it? the difference is I would have found that bit as offensive at 13 as I do now.
But let’s not part ways after concentrating on the (very) iffy bits of Christmas Album, just like the Phil Spector, Elvis and Bing Crosby Christmas albums it captures a certain aspect of the festive season for us on wax and will preserve it for us to cherish for ever; sick in aspic, can’t beat it.
619 Down.
PS – Note that the LP was, very topically, produced by Daft Fader!
*and deteriorates rapidly from there.
**Authors of one of the most perfect punk pop singles ever, ‘The First Time’.
^you freaking weirdo.
^^it really is. My mother told me, many many, years later that she’d been very proud of me. The phrase came from a mate of my dad’s who was a bit less careful about swearing in front of children than my own folk were.
The Boys were great back in the late 70s/early 80s, this album passed me by, but I’m more of a Bah Humbug kind of guy anyway. Always a great live show!
The First Time is just a perfect single, I love it so much.
I’m sure I’d enjoy seeing them in their latest incarnation, must catch them sometime! First time I saw them was at the Music Machine in Camden Town; their set was so short that they played it twice 🙂
Cool song and the piccies typify many a works Christmas party.
This sounds like an absolute riot! Not my glass of ginger wine, though. Maybe not enough cussing for my liking …
This is going on my Christmas wish list.
What could be more traditional than having the family all gathered around you singing along to ‘The Ballad of the Warrington’? it’s to those old-fashioned pleasantries we need to return if we’re going to fix all the ills of society.
Delightful title wordplay!
Thank you, thank you!
What can we say about this album… it was a throw-away joke. A stocking-filler? If so, it’s no more shocking than the mountain of throw-away shite people seem to think it’s a good idea to fill up our land fills with at this fester-time. (My name’s Ben Elton, goodnight.) Like yourself, I do enjoy a good swear though. And I think the American’s (and Canadians) visitors to your site would do well to take onboard some of the more obscure expletives contained therein. I regularly spatter my conversations with ‘mutherfuckers’ and it’d be nice to think that ‘tosser’ and ‘cuntybollocks’ was in general circulation across the pond. I think it’d enhance our special relationship.
David Cameron: “Well, should we bomb the mutherfuckers?”
Trump: “David, don’t be a cuntybollocks, I’ve already ordered a tactical nuclear strike.”
DC: Is there any room under your hair bunker for me, you massive bell end?”
Trump: “Up yours, you twat.”
The Boys were okay, but If I’m going to listen to some punk-lite, I’d rather the Vibrators. At least they had a shocking name, eh.
Merry Pissmas!
I’ll make sure to use cuntybollocks at least twice a day.
See? it’s working already!
“Execllent!” (Bill and Ted air guitar)
Personally I’d like to see the word ‘shite’ cross the Atlantic and make it big in the States. It is my fave word and around 150% more satisfying than the, rather pedestrian, ‘shit’. Bell end is definitely another Anglo one too.
Pure Mania is a real fave of mine too.
“Bag O’ Shite.” is a fantastic way to greet all things Christmas. Many thanks to the student-hating Paul Calf, AKA Steve Coogan.
Yep, Pure Mania still gets a spin in my gaff.
Some quality Xmas swearing right there. Can’t remember if they made it into that punk compilation ‘We Do ‘Em Our Way’, gonna have to try and dig out the vinyl…
The Boys are/were great. You can’t beat a good bit of cussing around the Christmas tree though.
Now this seems like more of a traditional Midwestern Christmas to me. Vomiting up hooch-laced egg nog, while grandma yells at you to pull up your pants as you pass out in the front yard next to the 40 year old nativity scene.
Deck the halls, f****r!
Hooray! None of that tasteful shite here!
Daft Fader! Ha what a great name! I hope I can get invited to next Welsh piss up!
Of course! The band all gave themselves daft names for the album too, the singer being Kid Vicious.
Pity help anyone who tries for a ‘serious’ christmas album review now. They’ll be told in no uncertain terms to ‘piss right off’. You cherub, you.
Absolutely! I’ve had a very enjoyable evening simulating Lego sick – its those simple things in life I enjoy most.
“I once told a pushy aunt who was trying to make me perform ‘a little Welsh song’ in front of the whole family, to ‘piss right off’. True story”
Ah, family Christmas… Every year’s a classic.
7 years old …
I can only imagine what you said to your pushy aunt at your 8th…
“to enable them to belt out daft obscenity-drenched childishness instead of peddling wry, infectious punk songs about boredom and romance”
The ultimate mission statement.
Amen to that, brother Keepsme!
Is it the Sunday Service already? 🙂
1. “Christmas, eh?” Stop trying to pretend you are Canadian. We all know you are not.
2. SEASONAL 1537 content? The hell you say!
I can’t even imagine, but I think this sounds great. The vibrator battery is a great line. I’ll have to remember that one for the dinner table on the 25th.
The song you want is at 24:57 on the main clip at the bottom of the page, eh?
I never remember to do seasonal content!
I have no seasonal content this year. A first. I’m sure I’ll have plenty of photos to post on the 26th though. Eh.
I love the Look At All The Loot I Got posts!
Richie Blackmore does a ‘look at all the lute I got’ post every year. True story.
Is that when he’s off standing at the bottom of his garden?
Does this one album constitute you Best of 2015 list, then, too?