Big Loves To All The Beautiful Womens Of The Universe

Q: How do you get two teenage kids out of the room in a nanosecond?

A: Slip Donna Summer Love To Love You Baby onto the turntable.

True story.  I’ve tested this out several times over the last 48 hours.  ‘Urggh!! Dad!! Sick!! No!!’ is the usual response once Donna S starts getting herself all warmed up and hot under the collar – cue teenage rampage, for the exits.  Ah well, what was I put on this earth for if not to listen to records and embarrass my children?

Well, as long time 1537 readers will be able to testify, I was also put on this earth to make the big loves to all the beautiful womens of the universe.  Oh yes.  Uhuh, baby.  Damn right! Oh yeah, that’s the spot … ahuh baby, right there!  I’m sorry gentle readers but this post will, of necessity, feature references to downstairs trouser-related activities.  I am sorry but sometimes that’s just the way it has to be.

Now where was I? ah yes, Munich 1975, as it happens.  Boston native Donna Summer was working as a part-time model, backing singer and cast member of various touring musicals when she teamed up with Giorgio Moroder and Pete Bellotte*, banged out an LP that was released only in Holland and then … something happened.  Something rather futuristic happened actually, Love To Love You Baby.

Side One is ‘Love To Love You Baby’, 16:50 of orgasmic cooing, disco flute, quiet patches, faster bits and almost, at one point a massed choir of orgasmic cooing.  Word Up!  Now I think I can safely say that this track is entirely about the recreational re-enactment of the reproductive act.  In order to reach this conclusion I have carried out an exhaustive analysis of the song’s lyrics, finally finding an adult usage for all those critical skills I learned during my degree,

Ahaaw, I love to love you, baby
Ahaaw, I love to love you, baby
Ahaaw, I love to love you, baby
Ahaaw, I love to love you, baby
Ahaaw, I love to love you, baby
Ahaaw, I love to love you, baby

Trust me, I have the skills.  I was able to pick up on subtleties and subtexts that would probably have eluded you poor saps.  For example if you take the initials of each line it spells AILTLYB, which is in fact a clear reference to the Inuit word, ‘Ailty’ub’ meaning ‘the love of the seal mother, for to makes babies’ – Absolutely true story.  Or, in fact if you just go down the lines and take the initial letter from each line you get ‘Aaaaaa’, which is basically the sound of a lady companion lucky enough to have made it into 1537’s groovy boudoir, in the throws of passion.

The precision of the music is jaw-dropping, the guitars hit just the right notes, the bass playing by Dave King is, umm, frigging great.  ‘Love To Love You Baby’ ebbs and flows, peaks and troughs in all the right areas.  Now it would be immodest of me to kiss and tell, but let’s just say my skills d’amour are such that I very often would have to spin this track three times in a row just to make it through to the halfway point of my performance.  In fact I very often used to just crank this track up to try to mask my date’s spontaneous deafening howlings of satisfaction.

Have I said that I just love every inch of this overblown, fluffy, hairy monstrosity yet?  I do**.

Now I suspect I may be the only person in the history of music, ever to make this connection but I think there are clear similarities with Rush 2112.  No? hear me out.  Both LP’s  have a blistering, genre-defining track that takes up the whole of the first side of the LP.  Both tracks rescued acts which were struggling to make much of a sustained impact on their world and became, in most casual observer’s eyes’, their most recognizable moment.  Both tracks involved high-pitched squeaking and squealing.  Both tracks involved the known universe being invaded by the Elder Race in their desperate bid to successfully overthrow the Solar Federation.  True Story.

Both Love To Love You Baby and 2112 also have another similarity – they both have Side 2s that are just not worth listening to in comparison, Rush’s is clunky apart from ‘Something For Nothing’ and Summer’s is an inconsequential post-coital mish-mash, that try as I might, just bleeds into one long tune not worth hearing.

 

Trust me I’m a doctor!^ It is possibly worth pointing out that there is a difference in the LP covers; as Mrs Summer appears to be strumming a particularly complex solo on a small ukulele (just out of camera shot) on the front cover, Geddy’s nipples^^ have never done that, to my knowledge, on any Rush sleeve.

428 Down.

P.S – that’s me done for two weeks whilst I haul my weary behind off on holiday.  Ciao!

*a man whose significance gets pushed out of the story quite a lot, check out the writing credits.  Also check out who produced the LP – I had assumed they were all Moroder productions, not so; you lied to us Daft Punk!

**still not a patch on ‘I Feel Love’ though, but there again what is?

^not true in any way, shape or form.

^^the name of my new pop punk band – Geddy’s Nipples!